Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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