So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
