I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize