There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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