i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
