hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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