My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
