my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
