A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
