Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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