I think I won the penis lottery.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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