hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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