those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
