hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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