genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
