put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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