maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
