she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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