You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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