I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
