First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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