Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize