My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
