Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
