new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
pray to the hookup gods
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
