The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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