If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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