Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
