Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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