What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
