I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
