I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
