I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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