I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
