Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize