I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
