seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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