3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
