There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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