then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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