This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize