i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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