Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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