The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
