Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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