Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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