I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
