a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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