I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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