I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
