I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
