I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
