So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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