I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
