She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
