Your dad touched me again.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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