Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize